Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
