At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
