Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
