We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
