no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
