the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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