Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
