well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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