just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
