If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
