He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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