Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
In America we eat man semen.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
