my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
