i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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