my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
