I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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