My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
