How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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