Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
