Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
