I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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