Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm like, not good at living.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
