let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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