Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
