i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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