Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
