hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
