apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
