i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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