I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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