White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
