Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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