dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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