You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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