the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
