shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
