PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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