this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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