I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
