I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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