update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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