As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
