I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
