I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sober January is a disaster.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
