I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
