he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
