I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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