we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
