By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
