they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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