the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
