well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
