You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
