I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
