I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
