im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
