Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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