There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
