I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
