Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
