Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
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Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
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He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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