i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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